Hello Darkness, My Old Blog

Photos by my friend Erin.

It's been so long. Wow having two kiddos and a career and a life to balance and a house to restore/renovate are NO JOKE! Major props to the people who make it look easy and still carve out space for their own interests and hobbies. I know this is a season of life that is short but I miss blogging so I am going to try to get back into the occasional habit of posting an outfit or two.

Wearing an old favorite MBMJ dress. The girls are in Boden. 

It's a lot easier to snap kid outfit pics that my own. They're kids so they're cute and everything looks good on them. But all is well. AND I GOT TENURE!!!! So I need to update my bio. Not sure if anyone still checks in here but hello, if you do!!

Hello!

December 2016 (Christmas Eve in Boden)

I miss blogging so here are some photos from the last few months where you can kinda see my outfits!

July 2016 (Rosie's newborn photos; also in Boden)

November 2016 (on vacation in St. Barths, wearing a Liberty print dress)

September 2016 (when we sold our house; wearing LOFT)

December 2016 (at Disney on Ice, wearing Old Navy)

March 2017 (on spring break with my sister at Disney World, wearing Old Navy)

I'm with or holding children in almost all the photos. So it's a fairly accurate depiction of my day to day life outside of work. I need to get back into the habit of taking outfit photos at work, especially now that daylight lasts a bit longer. I've got a bunch of new pieces that fit my still-transitioning but fairly settled postpartum body and I'm excited to share. I have no clue how regularly I will update but I'd like to start trying. Thanks for reading!

Welcome Rosemarie Jeanette!

I don't know if anyone ever checks here or not but... Hey, I had a baby and I went up for tenure and we bought a fixer upper and Emilia started school and we sold our house and we moved and and and...

It's been a lot but it's all good things. I'm posting sometimes on Instagram (@jesspgh). My outfits are rarely clean right now so they hardly seem worthy of documentation. I am also on maternity leave and undecided on a good spot in the new house to take photos. I will be back when I have breathing room. Thanks so much to anyone who might be still checking in here! I hope you are well.

Happy Holidays, 2015!

In many ways, 2015 was one of the hardest years for my family. Chris's stepdad died. Our beloved Speck did too. We tried but were unable to find the perfect second home. We began planning to get pregnant again which resulted in my catching a chemical (early) miscarriage. Emilia had her first illness that required antibiotics (a particularly stubborn ear infection). And the illness plus side effects from the antibiotics combined with her two-year-old-ness to create a perfect storm of weight loss, food aversions, and newfound pickiness from which we still haven't recovered completely. She *is* happily back on track growth-wise and in double digit percentiles again but the stress over her food refusal defined my first few months of 2015. And that wasn't the only source of stress. Chris continued to travel far distances for weeks at a time and work under tremendous pressure for his job. And I was under my own intense work pressures. I knew that 2015 was my last chance to boost my tenure case prior to dossier submission in 2016. So I worked even harder than usual to progress as much as possible on research projects, manuscripts, grants, and university service in order to feel ready.

But in 2015 there were also many milestones. Emilia got her very own passport and we went on our first international trip as a family. We also took trips to Cleveland, Ohiopyle, Washington DC, and Disney World. I was awarded a generous internal grant for my research and submitted other grant proposals that are still pending. My book is under contract with a desirable university press thanks to a very enthusiastic acquisitions editor who has been amazing to work with. Chris and I celebrated 5 years of marriage and grew closer as we shared in happiness and loss. Chris managed his stress and his travels with incredible grace and organization. I also didn't feel the same pangs of dread as his planned trips loomed, knowing that we can do this. Emilia thrived in many activities (music, swimming, library/crafts) and tried but wound up deciding to postpone dance classes and tumbling (which were structured to best suit the older children also in the class).

I felt strong bonds with my parents and siblings as well as my in laws. Our families rallied to support us whenever hard times arose. We made some home improvements including upgrading our kitchen counters, hanging new drywall and painting our bedroom (ok, that was all Chris), installing a new water heater (Chris plus his dad), resurfacing the back patio (Chris too), and probably others I am forgetting. All of these will prepare us to sell if we do find a home we like enough to buy in 2016.

In 2016, we will also welcome a new baby provided everything continues to go well. I am happy to be 12 weeks pregnant even though I have been much more sick and exhausted than I ever was when I was pregnant with Emilia. Being sick is reassuring in its own way and the pregnancy is definitely a bright spot amid the losses of loved ones in October and November. 2015 was difficult but there was also a lot of good. I'm sure 2016 will bring its own challenges and triumphs. I hope your own triumphs are what define your 2016. Happy New Year!

Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Birthday Emilia!

This year, Emilia turns 3 on Thanksgiving. It seems fitting incredibly for my first child to have arrived during a time when I'm prone to reflect happily and with gratitude on the many blessings in my life. I feel truly lucky to watch her bubbly, precocious, delightful personality develop. She is full of enthusiasm and curiosity. She is a fierce negotiator with sound reasoning skills. She can be strong willed and stubborn but she has a very keen sense of empathy and is quite kind. I am biased but I think she's wonderful. Happy Birthday, sweet girl!

Although this holiday feels a bit less full without Chris's stepfather and without Speck the dog, I am still glad to spend it with many of our extended family members. I reap the very tangible benefits of geographic proximity constantly and am so lucky to live near my parents and siblings and Chris's parents and siblings. I am glad we can be here for Chris's mom during a very difficult time. I am glad to see how close Emilia has bonded with everyone.

I am grateful for my husband, who is a true partner to me and who's intellect and humor and affection continue to captivate me after 12 years of togetherness (5 years of marriage). Our family benefits materially and logistically from his strong work ethic, his handiness, his ambition, and his skills in the kitchen. I feel closer to him than ever as we have shared in so many happy celebrations and milestones but also experienced great loss.

I am grateful for my job and even more so that my job feels like a career. I am really lucky to get to meet optimistic, driven young people full of promise and resilience. I try to help them reach their potential and progress toward their goals. I also try to remember what it was like when I was in their shoes. I hope to honor the fact that every one of them is held dear by someone so I should treat them accordingly. I am grateful also for my colleagues who have been supportive and encouraging as I've progressed toward tenure. The mentoring I've received has been beneficial tremendously and it is a pleasure working with so many intelligent and enjoyable people.

I am grateful for the opportunities I have been afforded and how they have helped shape and refine me as well as my view of the world. I am grateful to have lived a life of tremendous stability and security. It is something that can be easy to take for granted but something I need to remember, particularly in the context of what is happening in the world.

I am grateful that the world is full of so many helpers and good people who maintain optimism in the face of very frightening and upsetting conditions. I am grateful for those who fight for fairness and humanity in the face of corruption, injustice, and terror. With the tragedies and atrocities that unfolded over the last year, it can be tempting to take a cynical view or to let fear overtake one's sense of humanity. It is disappointing particularly to witness the political tone and tenor during this election cycle, as it has quite clearly opened up safer spaces for some people to be bigoted and hateful toward anyone they deem "other." It is actually beyond disappointing. It is outright scary. But I still think that reason and decency and kindness and civility will always prevail. I hope that those public figures who are capitalizing on a fearful time to fan the flames of racism will learn that fear mongering and hatred are not effective or sustainable tools for governance in a democracy.

I hope that generosity, kindness, and goodwill will define the coming weeks of the holiday season and I wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Another goodbye to someone we love

After Chris's dissertation defense, this time in 2013

I didn't make it to the Boden sale. I was presenting at a (locally held but national) conference that day and was eager to spend any extra time I had with family. Chris's stepdad had become very sick and by that point the family decided to bring him home for palliative care. He died that Sunday. It was very sad but we were comforted during three very lovely memorials. And we cried and laughed together as we remembered him. Our big blended family of relatives and step-relatives and in-laws...

He was a great inspiration to many, as an emeritus professor with an extremely productive and impressive academic career. I remember feeling intimidated before meeting him. I knew from roommates and friends that his classes were fascinating and informative. But I still worried because I was new to graduate school and new to academia. I felt insecure and eager to impress him. But he was disarming and warm. He was humble incredibly. And over the years I witnessed the way that he beamed with pride over the accomplishments of his loved ones. He was so proud of his children, stepchildren, and (step)children-in-law. He got to witness many of our milestones and he got to dance at many of our weddings. He saw four of us achieve our own doctoral degrees and follow in his footsteps by forging our own academic careers. And he loved Chris's mom so very much. Their relationship was so strong in the face of a lot of many illnesses and health setbacks over the years.

Many things have occurred these last few weeks that have left us feeling breathless with sadness, both in our personal lives and on a global scale. But as we head into Thanksgiving week and mark Emilia's third birthday, we are trying to focus on the good. That we are together. That we live close enough to lean on each other and try to be as supportive as possible to Chris's mom. That we have many wonderful memories to cherish. Thankfully, the constant presence of a happy toddler helps keep things from feeling impossibly heavy. And I know for certain there are still many reasons to feel thankful.

I just wanted to explain the longer-than-usual blog silence. I will have outfits (a huge backlog, in fact) again soon. Right now just doesn't feel like the right time.

Happy Halloween 2015!

Thank you for the condolences and kind words regarding Speck. Losing a pet leaves such a hole in the routines of everyday life. I didn't consider how the absence of those tasks would have us confronting this loss with such regularity. But we are doing ok. Emilia seems to understand and is processing it well. We even went out to march in the neighborhood parade last night and wore our first family themed costume. It was fun! I hope you have a Happy Halloween weekend!

I will be drawing the winner of the Kushyfoot giveaway shortly. Thank you to all who entered and to Kushyfoot for providing the prize!

Saying goodbye to Speck

This past weekend we said goodbye to Speck the Dog. She was nearly 18 years old and lived a full, happy life. She was loved fiercely and will be remembered fondly. We are so sad to lose her but her memories bring us happiness and comfort. Speck made us a family and taught us to love more deeply. She was resilient, adapting to multiple moves, plenty of travels, the adoptions of other dogs in her extended family, the birth and eventual toddlerhood of Emilia, and even the transition from her original owner, Zack to us at age 7.

Speck made many appearances on the blog over the years because she enjoyed sitting with my leather bags and photobombing my indoor outfit pics. She also was in many outfit photos when I had Chris snap them on walks.

Speck had a ton of personality and the most expressive face. Her fur coloring made it seem like she had eyebrows and eyeliner. She was quite graceful with much natural beauty. She was happy to be tucked under a blanket or wear a coat or sweater in winter. She was a loving, snuggly dog but didn't care for when adults hugged or danced. And she was suspicious of most men (especially those who were tall and stood nearby). But she loved Chris, Zack, and my dad. She would get upset when we had parties or people over. Especially if someone stood up from a seated position. Although she took a while to warm to new people, once you were in you were in. She'd let you know by happily presenting her belly for pets or "waving her flag" (what we called the extra bit of fur on the end of her small tail).

She loved ice cream, pasta, bread, tomatoes, and any kind of meat. In fact, she went on a food strike that led to us home cooking her food for the last two years of her life. Although it was time consuming, it was the only thing high-maintenance about her at that point (other than our needing to carry her up and down our slippery, steep wooden stairs after she no longer could navigate them safely). Her bladder control was legendary and she loved sleeping in. She couldn't really tolerate long walks anymore and would Shepard us home after half a block if not sooner. But she loved a warm spot. Behind a human knee or laying between two people. She was a consummate seat thief because she knew the spot would be warm. She loved basking in the sun, even if it was only shining through a window during cold weather months.

She was quirky and particular. And I loved her quirks. I respected her particularities and desires for quiet order. She hated vacuuming, fireworks, and thunderstorms. She relished routines and was an adept negotiator when it came to treats. There are so many reasons why she was such a beloved family member.

I am grateful and impressed that she was spry enough up until the end to make this loss feel very sudden, despite her age. And I am sad that she will miss out on this season's piles of crunchy leaves to sniff and walk through. I am sad that she won't see this year's Christmas tree to lay underneath (another favorite of hers). I am sad that she will never again get to make paw tracks in snow or dig in sand. I am sad to lose my helpful crumb-buster and table scrap relish-er. I am sad to never again play the chase game with her and Emilia after Speck's bath. I am sad to never see Speck photobomb another outfit pic of mine. I am sad to never again hear Emilia say "good girl Speck!" or to give Speck a special treat or to have to remind Emilia to pet her gently and give Speck space. I am sad that the next time Chris travels, I won't have anyone to be up with me after Emilia goes to bed.  I am sad to never come home again to her wagging tail and smiling face. I am sad. I am sad. I am sad.

She is integral to so many memories and milestones and for that I will always be grateful. I will treasure those memories. RIP beloved Speck the dog.

The rest of the story is under the cut due to it being a potentially triggering explanation of how she passed.

Exploring Ohiopyle

This summer on two separate occasions we took a drive out to Ohiopyle. For one of the trips we also rented a cabin and invited family to join us. We were going to be in town for a wedding at the Barn at Fallingwater and decided to make a weekend of it. My parents, sister, and mother-in-law all came with us which was really fun.

This post has many more photos (enough to require a page break) and an overview of the trip after the jump.

What we wore to see Cinderella on the stage

On Saturday, we went to see the Rodgers and Hammerstein production of Cinderella. It was touring through Pittsburgh and my mother-in-law, Jill thought it would be fun. Emilia is technically younger than the minimum age permitted for this theater but she's been to other stage productions and always behaves excellently. We decided to risk it (she's just a few months away from their requirement) and it was a great success.

She was mesmerized throughout the play, as she usually is in these situations. And we were both enthralled with the songs and costumes. My favorite scenes were the dress transformations! They happened right on stage with no clouds of smoke or trick mirrors to be found. I'd love to get a closer look at those specific pieces! Jill kindly treated Emilia to one of the "topsy turvy" dolls being sold at the merchandise stand. It features Cinderella in her working clothes on one side and Cinderella in her ball gown on the other. So cool!

Before the play, we all went to the Gandy Dancer (the bar at the Grand Concourse) for dinner. There were two weddings happening in the main restaurant so it was fun to catch glimpses of the bride. My mother-in-law snapped this family photo after dinner. It was fun to get dressed up together. We saw lots of other girls in princess frocks and tiaras so Emilia fit right in.

Details:
Monserrat dress from Anthropologie
J.Crew Factory Clare Cardigan
Cole Haan wedges

Chris is wearing a Rag and Bone blazer. Emilia is wearing her Disney Parks Cinderella dress and glass slippers from Target.

So sunny I'm squinting OOTD plus a sale round up

You may notice in this photo that the shining sun made me squint like a vampire because that's what happens if you are a Pittsburgher who is emerging from late winter/early spring! But I am happy to blog this outfit since the dress is new. I bought it on sale during one of Anthropologie's free shipping promotions. Then a few days later Anthropologie's sale went on sale (just like it is now!) so I also got a price adjustment. I love when that happens! It alleviated my typical hesitations prior to the tag removal process.

Now that the Anthropologie sale is on sale again, I am trying to decide if I want to pay for shipping (which nearly cancel out the extra 20% off via code EXTRAEXTRA) to get this dress. Does Anthropologie still let you stack birthday discounts with other discounts?

Details:
Anthropologie Banet dress ( if you can catch a pop back it is on second cut even before the extra 20% off!)
Spanx tights (on sale via price match! or grab them from Saks' Friends and Family)
Ferragamo My Joy flats

Speaking of sales, Kate Spade's Friends and Family promotion is this weekend! Use code DEAREST through April 19th to get 25% off! It might be a good opportunity to shop for Mother's Day gifts.

Also, Saks Fifth Avenue's Friends and Family promotion has begun quietly online and lasts the 20th through April 27th in stores! Take 30% off most clothes, shoes, and accessories and 20% off jewelry with code FRNFAM2! Happy shopping!

Looking back and Looking forward

December 2014 was a very full, overwhelming month. Chris was in Africa for work for nearly half of it, during finals week and beyond. This made my final grading period (which is an already stressful time) feel that much more intense. Then a few days after he returned, we flew to Disney World. It was a lot of fun but corresponded with one of Disney World's busiest times of year. We were home just in time to celebrate Christmas, which was wonderful. But soon after Chris began a renovation project that involved moving everything out of our bedroom (where almost all of my clothes and accessories reside). I was grateful to save on labor costs but it was a lot to manage in part because I had a lot of work to do removed from this. I am teaching two new classes this semester so I had a great deal of course prep to complete. I also was trying to finish the revision plan for my book project (which is progressing thanks to the university press who solicited it!!). And even now that I am one week into the new semester, my bedroom remains a work in progress.

Despite this busy time, the end of the holiday season always brings a little sadness. The house feels so empty after we take down the tree. I tried my best to brace Emilia for the change since she loves the decorations. It seems to have helped her understand because I've heard her say, "Christmas over. I sad." Me too, my dear. Me too.

Looking back, 2014 was a very full and at times overwhelming (but mostly great) year. I passed my pre-tenure review. I helped start a company that secured angel investment and launched a mobile app. I received an award for my dissertation and presented my work at conferences. I visited Cleveland, Anna Maria Island, Ft. Lauderdale, Washington DC, Minneapolis/St. Paul, and Orlando. I learned that I can manage parenting and running the house while Chris is literally an ocean away because of work (thank goodness for extended family who live nearby, especially my mom, sister, and mother-in-law). I was contacted by a university press about my research. And so I proposed and thankfully heard favorable word about my dissertation book project. I congratulated loved ones who got married, were promoted, became engaged, were pregnant, had babies, and more. My own mother retired from her career of 37+ years to pursue many interests, including helping me balance my own career with motherhood. She now watches Emilia for me which has been amazing.

There was a lot to celebrate. And most excitingly perhaps, I saw Emilia, my completely delightful, terrific 2 year old, grow, change, learn, and revel. With every passing moment I marvel over how she is my favorite, right here, right now. She just keeps being my favorite with every development and change. Chris and I are in awe over our fun, sweet, smart, and cool kiddo. And after getting through this year, particularly during the difficult periods when we were apart due to his often stressful, intense job, I grew that much more in love and in like with Chris. It is very hard to be apart, particularly because I see how confusing it is for Emilia. Even now, almost a month after his most recent return, she asks me with much worry "where's daddy?" if she can't find him in the morning. But even with the travel, we are so lucky that he has this job. We are lucky that we both have jobs that enable us to live near our extended families and in a city we love so much. Considering that we're both academics, it feels that much more fortunate to have chosen where we get to live and work. I hope we continue to be so fortunate.

Looking forward, I want to keep perspective. I want my gratitude to neutralize my stress completely, but for me, that's unrealistic.  At minimum, I hope that I don't lose sight of the good when I am in the inevitable throes of overwhelm in 2015. There were times during 2014 when it was difficult to see the forest. Especially when Chris was half a world away from us. But toward the end of Chris's second trip to Africa, I really began to get a footing. It also helped that his wifi in the hotels got subsequently more consistent with each trip. Facetime was our lifeline. This year when he goes, I will have my own little routine of how to run things alone. It won't be easy while teaching two new classes, revising my book manuscript, and taking care of a 2 year old and an elderly dog. But I know from experience that we will get through it. Hopefully we will thrive. Happy (belated) new year!

On Gratitude in 2014

(Sightseeing in the Twin Cities during conference travels)

There are many reasons to feel overwhelm and upset over the political landscape in the United States at the moment. And the Thanksgiving celebration itself is not exempt from enduring and legitimate reasons to feel anger over the power structures that perpetuate inequality, violence, and marginalization in this country. But for the sake of optimism and for the sake of setting an example to my now two-year-old daughter (!!!), I also want to take a moment to reflect and feel grateful.

Over the last year, I watched my child set foot in the ocean for the first time. I traveled a lot with her and Chris for work and for fun. I took a leap of faith with some friends and started a company. I was asked to submit and I submitted my book proposal (cross your fingers! I am still waiting to hear word about an advanced contract). I saw my mom retire from her lengthy and fulfilling career as a public educator (to help take care of Emilia for us while we work). I got to witness Chris's delight upon going to Pirates' Spring Training for the first time. I saw four couples (friends and family) get married. I got Speck the dog to stop a hunger strike by home-cooking elaborate (for a dog) meals to suit her increasingly persnickety 17 year old palate. I continued to grow closer with extended family members as they demonstrated their depth of love for my daughter (as well as Chris and me). And I continued to feel more in love than ever with Chris.

It wasn't always sunshine and roses. At times I felt spread more thin than ever before in my life. I lost my temper. I lost my keys. I lost track of my perpetually unfinished to-do lists. I barely made time to do things I should do like go to the gym, read fiction, or prioritize other forms of self care. I wasn't supermom or super wife. I wasn't super professor or super friend. I wasn't super daughter or super co-founder. When you wear too many hats you wear them all a little less well than you could under more ideal circumstances. But I am grateful for the experiences I gained from trying.

Emilia turns two today (drafting the day before Thanksgiving) and she is the light of my (and Chris's and her extended family's) life. She is so funny, silly, and smart. She's so courageous, empathetic, and kind. She has big strong feelings that come on fast because she's realizing the scale of the world in relation to herself. She teaches me so much about myself. I am grateful for those lessons. I am grateful for this light.

We have conversations now. Me and her... just us two gals talking about life and cookies and Speck the dog and daddy and Minnie Mouse. It's pretty great. I am really lucky.

It's not lost on me that there's a lot to feel upset about in the world this week. There are a lot of people who feel bogged down and disappointed (myself included). But there's also a lot for which to be grateful. When the news confirms that there's much work to do to make this a more equitable, humane, just, and good world, that gratitude I feel becomes a motivating force. It makes me want to try harder to increase the good in the world for all. Happy Thanksgiving!

What to Wear to an Amusement Park

This summer Chris and I made use of season passes to Kennywood. Kennywood is a beautiful, historic park located along the Monongahela River just south of Pittsburgh. It provided the dreamy  backdrop of Adventureland and if you grew up in SWPA you probably feel at least some nostalgia for the park and its many classic rides.

 
Chris and I are both lovers of Kennywood. As a child my hometown's community day at Kennywood was also my most highly-anticipated summer event. For all of these reasons we were so excited  to take Emilia to Kennywood. In 2013 she was too tiny but in 2014 she was able to ride plenty of things.

We managed to buy our season passes for a song on Black Friday the year prior. Because she is under 2, we could bring Emilia with us for free so we went often, usually at the end of business on random summer week days. This way Emilia could have her normal mid-day nap, during which I wrote and worked from home. We'd pick Chris up from campus where he was working and be on our way for a few hours of fun and stimulation before bedtime. But planning an outfit for an amusement park has always stumped me. I don't want to be too hot or impractical but I also want to feel like myself.

 

My gut on one of our first trips was to reach for a casual dress and flats but dresses make it a bit difficult to get on and off of rides with modesty. So by the end of the summer I was wearing khakis, a tshirt, and sneakers. I was comfier for it. 

Sometimes we would meet family there which made for even more fun AND bonus child care flexibility that enabled me and Chris to ride a few roller-coasters!

 
We developed our own Kennywood routine this summer. We'd head to the back of the park, ride the train, get some Potato Patch Fries, go to Kiddieland, ride the swings, airplanes, and rockets, get in line for the cars and hope they don't break down before our turn, split an ice cream cone, ride the carousel, and say goodnight. I already miss it! 

I'm fully prepared to purchase season passes next year, Black Friday deal or not!

Outfit Details:
Anthropologie "Readymade" dress (old)
Gap factory cardigan (old)
Chloé flats (old)
Gap tee (old)
Old Navy pants (old)
Catherine Popesco jewelry* c/o Perfect Details



Remember, there's still time to enter my eShakti giveaway! 

*From reading my previous posts on Perfect Details, it probably seems like their selection is best suited for formal occasions like weddings and glamorous evening events. But that's only part of the story. I found these cute costume jewelry pieces by Catherine Popesco on the Perfect Details website a while back and they've become my workhorses. I dress them up and down and they're great staple pieces.

Left to right: bracelet, necklace, necklace

I especially love the art nouveau touches on the vintage-inspired bracelet. I also noticed that the Perfect Details website mentions that rental options are "coming soon." I think this is a really great idea because often special occasions might make you want new, fresh accessories without making a huge financial investment. Thanks again, Perfect Details!

What I wore to Chris's dissertation defense

Photo from my campus, as I repeated the ensemble for work

Leading up to it, I wasn't sure if Chris was going to include family among the attendants at his dissertation defense. The protocol in his school and field are such that most often only the committee and doctoral candidate are there. But that week, he decided to break with the norm and include some loved ones (with the blessing of his committee). His mom and stepfather attended as well as Emilia and me. My parents and siblings wanted to attend also but the short notice (and pre-Thanksgiving timing) meant that it was too difficult to arrange work schedules.

My mother-in-law and I took turns wrangling Emilia and got to see him present his work. I'll never forget the moment when she pointed up to Chris who was explaining a PowerPoint slide and exclaimed, "DADA!!" The whole room stifled giggles but it was still my cue to take her into his office to play while he finished. We went to Legume Bistro (which was also the site of our engagement dinner) to celebrate afterwards. It was a wonderful day that I will never forget! Emilia will not have her own memories but we will help her with photos and stories. In just a year, she's attended two defenses!

Outfit details:
Anthropologie Tibur Cardigan
J. Crew Factory Retro Ponte Dress 
Ferragamo My Joy flats
Kors watch; David Yurman necklace; Amber pendant necklace (gift from Chris)

On Emilia: Isabella Garreton dress, First Impressions sweater, Stride Rite maryjanes, Gymboree tights

On Chris: Shipley and Halmos suit, Rag and Bone shirt, Vintage tie (gift from me)

Finding my way as a working mom

Lately, I feel like my September is the storm before the calm. Truth be told, I am most at home when the weather is cold and the leaves are crinkled, when my semester settles into a rhythm and my teaching schedule feels normal again. I stop lamenting that "normal" is no longer my summer break and in doing so I come to accept that everything is much busier and harried. Even though my "to-do" list doesn't necessarily shorten once this happens, I at least become less overwhelmed by it.

These days I'm spread a little thin. That shouldn't be surprising as this specific back-to-school cycle is the first in which I am adjusting to life as a working mom. Although I knew it was going to be hard, I didn't anticipate being hit by a baby with a 9 month sleep regression and (mild but still obvious) separation anxiety. Sleep deprivation makes me feel ineffective and unproductive. Not to mention irritable and tired! But there just isn't time to be unproductive at the moment.

Chris is trying to finish and defend his dissertation and I am trying to help him as much as he helped me. I am trying to complete a few grant applications and a book proposal over the next few weeks. I have a house to maintain. And I am back to my regular work schedule with a heavy teaching load and the usual service responsibilities. My summer class gave me a trial run of the work-life balancing act that so many women I know make look effortless. But that period was brief and I was only teaching one condensed session with very little service work. So I guess in reality I'm spread very thin at the moment.

On my commute home the other night I listened to Terry Gross interviewing Debora Spar about her new book, Wonder Women, which examines what Spar describes as a post-feminist internalization that in effect "privatized" feminism.  She says that rather than working toward the social changes that could help all of us, the trend instead sees women attempting to "have it all" individually, entailing a never ending quest for perfection. I haven't read the book yet but hearing her speak about it intrigued me. So I added it to my to do list... which continues to grow at a faster pace than I can manage. Still, the discussion was a nice reminder that perhaps I should try to cut myself some slack.

I know that I am doing the best that I can with constraints. I know that my work is not only important to me but necessary to the livelihood of my family. I know that Emilia is taken care of, comfortable, and happy, despite the teething, sleep regressions, and separation anxiety. I know that everything will be ok in part because it has to be. And thankfully, I have a lot of support on my side.

Thankfully my own upbringing involved a working, educator mom. It really helps to remind myself that my mom did this with an even more demanding schedule that required her to work out of the home five days a week. It helps to remember that she and my dad were able to balance things, raising (not one, but) three kids, while maintaining a really loving, happy marriage. It really helps to have my family's support and encouragement. I am incredibly lucky to have a husband who is very adept with a bedtime routine (without the benefit/crutch of nursing) and who loves to cook. He cooks more than I do and when I come home exhausted after my long teaching days, he always has a warm meal waiting for me. Talk about supportive!

I reflect often on my mom's (and really both of my parents') example, trying to model myself after it. If I'm feeling especially down, I remind myself that I am modeling this role for my own daughter and for the women students I mentor, advise, and teach. I don't want to let anyone down by being a negative caricature of new motherhood, rife with anxieties and "baby brain." And I'm probably overly self-conscious of the alleged "baby brain" drain, due to harsh self-criticism. After all, I had enough brain power to finish my doctorate this summer. That has to count for something!

Still, this is hard. It's hard to leave her. It's hard not to let my curiosity about what she is doing, how she is doing, if she is taking the bottle/napping/crying/etc. distract me from what I need to be doing.

I am especially relieved and lucky that Emilia is being taken care of by my sister on the days when I go to campus. I'm sure she would have been fine in daycare if we had gone that route. I see the babies in my moms' group enrolled in daycare and thriving. But family help brings a peace of mind that is priceless. Chris and I wanted to start a family while we lived near our loved ones for a bunch of reasons. And this is one of them! Emilia adores Katie and Katie adores Emilia. It's amazing to see them grow so close because of this arrangement. After my grandmother passed away, my Aunt Patty (my mom's sister) took care of me and my brother (before my sister was born) while my mom worked. And I feel such a strong bond to my aunt because of it. I am sure that Katie and Emilia and I will all be even closer because of this time together. Thanks to my sister, my baby and I have yet to suffer tearful goodbyes even though both of us are experiencing pangs of separation anxiety.

I keep reminding myself of how lucky I am in those harder moments. I need to remember that everything that is new feels hard and stressful at first, until it eventually becomes normal. If anyone has any secrets to managing things or just words of commiseration, I'd love to hear them!

Lunchtime Carousel OOTD

Last week on one of my work-from-home days Chris suggested I bring the baby and meet him for lunch in Oakland. I hadn't yet tried the new Cuban food at Conflict Kitchen and the weather was beautiful so it seemed like the perfect plan. We met in Schenley Plaza and ate outside. While there, he took Emilia on the carousel. I skipped the ride to take photos and video for our families.

Since Emilia's birth I've been documenting a photo and a video (almost) each (and every) day and sending them via email to our parents and siblings. I call it "The Daily Baby" and liken it to a visual newsletter to keep our nearest and dearest abreast of her happenings, both mundane and milestone. Some of our extended relatives also receive forwarded copies of especially exciting or adorable installments (if our parents decide to send them along or if our extended family request updates). The Daily Baby has proved to be an amazing way to give Emilia's larger family a stronger sense of attachment to her and by extension to us.

It is easiest just to upload video to my private youtube and send everything from my phone so I wind up favoring a camera that is not my best. But I still think it will be nice to have all of the footage and photos for myself one day. I know too well already why so many seasoned parents have warned me that time moves too fast. I can't believe she is already nine months old! And yet when I think about my semester's start this time last year, it's also hard to fathom. It feels so long ago, almost from another lifetime.

Anyway, I decided to wear something colorful and comfortable. It wasn't breastfeeding friendly but our visit was only for lunch, Emilia is eating some solids (so I can gave her some of my lunch to try plus she goes longer in between nursing these days), and I also knew that in a pinch we could hide out to nurse in Chris's private office (with a door that locks).

Details:
Orla Kiely + Uniqlo dress
Spanx tights
MBMJ mouse flats
Marc Jacobs Mercer bag

"Dr. Jesspgh"

 

My defense was on Monday and it was wonderful, albeit draining. I usually feel pretty confident in my oral presentation skills and I also have learned to trust my ability to think on the fly. But lately I've been sleep deprived. Emilia's teething and going through some developmental leaps that have made her more wakeful the last few weeks. And because I've needed every spare minute of revision and prep time, I've regularly been up of my own volition until 2am or later. So I was nervous about my brain's ability to perform in the moment. That said, I'm sure I would have been nervous no matter what. Thankfully my worries were for nothing. After all (and as I kept reassuring myself), I was the only person in the room who studied the topic with the amount of detail required to write a dissertation!

My family, including my parents, siblings, two parents-in-law, husband, and daughter attended! I wasn't sure whether I would want them there but my advisor encouraged me, saying it would be nice to have them be a part of what he felt was going to be a positive, memorable day. He was right and I'm glad I listened to him! I will always remember taking a deep breath before I began my presentation, and pausing to feel my throat tighten with emotion, knowing that the day was even more special because the room was full of those who rooted for me all along. Afterwards, Chris called me "Dr. Jesspgh" on twitter and many friends have repeated the joke since.

I wore an outfit that ... fit (Kate Spade dress, J. Crew cardigan). Years ago when I envisioned my defense, I had very specific ideas about what I wanted to wear. But when it came down to it, all the ideas suited cold weather (something wool to convey a professional vibe but still interesting, like this blazer but in an army green color), without the constraints of breastfeeding (that said, it is rare that I need to nurse Emilia when we're out and about... she's easily distracted and I had a bottle of pumped milk so my sister could feed her in the hallway if she fussed). So I went with what is familiar and comfortable and special enough. It didn't occur to me to snap a full outfit shot. But it's a repeat anyway. The day was special enough without a new outfit.

I am wrapping up a few minor revisions so that my document suits the (surprisingly draconian) requirements for ETD, then I have a huge backlog of reviews, outfits, and a sweet skincare giveaway to post. I'd like to get the giveaway up this weekend, if all goes well. Stay tuned!

Scenes from our weekend in Cleveland (part 1)

Chris just started a new job and while this is fantastic news for our family, it also means that our schedules have become a little less flexible. Naturally, he has to accumulate vacation time and is beginning from scratch. But that doesn't eliminate our shared travel bug! We decided that in the meanwhile, we would utilize any long weekends we could to take short trips. Our first voyage was over Memorial Day weekend, when we drove up to Cleveland to eat, shop, and explore.

We visited the newly remodeled Cleveland Art Museum, which is pretty fantastic and free to the general public! While there, we saw so many wedding parties taking photos, which always makes me feel a little wistful. As a spectator, I was reminded of the strangers who wished me well and snapped photos from the patio outside of Heinz Chapel, while I waited to walk down the aisle on my own wedding day.

Chris put his art history degree to use as he took Emilia on her own private tour. It was fun to compare her reactions to the art on this trip vs her previous museum visit at the National Gallery of Art (when she was two months). At six months old, she was less into impressionism and cubism. She was more into portraits of women and girls. She still liked the mobile sculptures of Alexander Calder. But she also appreciated multisensory and multimedia pieces.

 

We loved the West Side Market, where we shopped and had lunch. Because it was a Saturday on a holiday weekend, it was very crowded. Thankfully, we opted to wear her rather than try the stroller. She loved looking up at the architecture of the space in the main terminal.

There was certainly a lot to see!

 

We took a break to eat our hand pies from one of the vendors. We also gave Emilia a break from the Ergo so she could stretch her legs.

We ate at some amazing places too. I can't wait to go back!

Outfit details
Me:
Tory Burch Warren ruffle trench
J. Crew anchor dress
Old Navy leggings
Lucky Brand Emmie flats
Marc Jacobs Mercer hobo
Norman Childs glasses/Etro sunglasses

Chris:
Vince sweater
Marc Jacobs jeans (note that these are way cheaper in the mbmj store than online for some reason)
Vans slip ons
Lifetime Collective sunglasses

Emilia:
Osh Kosh cardigan (similar hoodie set she also has here)
Tea Collection dress (same in another colorway here)
Old Navy leggings
Trumpette socks
Handmade hat

By the way, I'll be drawing the Shabby Apple Giveaway winner later today and contacting them via email. The winner will also be posted in the Rafflecopter widget. Thank you to everyone who entered and to Shabby Apple for providing the prize!