Not my best look (musings on competition)

Twinkle by Wenlen dress

Wolford heart tights

Rosegold Liz booties

Vintage necklace

Sometimes I wonder if I should be more selective with what I post on my little blog. Or if I should try harder to get really excellent, truly flattering photos since so many of my fellow bloggers are exceptionally skilled in that arena (inspiring me with their photographic equivalent to poetry, full of romance, atmosphere, and narrative). I often wonder if I should work harder to make sure all the things I include here are subjects/ensembles about which I am 100% confident. Sometimes I find myself falling into an inevitable game of comparison, wherein I measure myself against all the things I am not and all the things I wish I had/was. It should be said that I often do this when something external reminds me about competition and conflict and general negativity.

This comparative impulse runs so contrary to my beliefs. In many ways it is in direct tension with my own politics (feminism, optimism, social progression, collectivity, etc.) and in complete discord with my pedagogy. My teaching philosophy is an articulation of my beliefs. I strive to encourage students to be empowered by the concept of their own potentiality, but to also be reflexive and mindful of the privileges that have yielded that potential.  Finding such a balance means bridging confidence with humble gratitude. My hope is that they find a way to tow that line outside of the classroom too, as social individuals and as citizens who are thriving as they study (and in most cases, live permanently) in a representative democracy.

When I indulge the impulse to compare myself with others, I also facilitate my own negativity. I chide myself for not being smarter, funnier, prettier, wealthier, more talented, more accomplished, more aligned figuratively with a conventional ideal, etc. This ritual of self-effacement is the kind of thing I would try to minimize, if not completely diffuse if I noticed my students doing it. I would remind them that despite the conventional wisdom of performance soft-drink ads and the sloganeering of sneaker companies, not everything is a competition. I'd encourage them to re-frame their outlook to one that strives for a personal best. As I find myself frustrated when I measure reality with what I thought I would have accomplished by now (life-wise, not blog-wise), I need to remember my own humanity. I need to re-frame my outlook to include the space for self-praise rather than only self-critique.

I consider my outlook on this little blog to be metaphoric to my outlook on my life. It is not a competition and sometimes I need to be less hard on myself. In the case of my blog I lack crucial equipment and talent. I lack time and landscapes. I lack the perfect closet full of flattering things and the perfect figure/face/hairstyle on which to dress these pieces. It is easy to take stock of what I lack in terms of this blog. It is much more difficult and harrowing to do so in terms of one's own life. I continue to feel an immense amount of gratitude because I am very fortunate. I take for granted so many things. For example, I take for granted the reality of my own democratic freedoms. As I watch the revolution occurring in cities across Egypt, I am inspired and humbled. I am tearful and hopeful. But I am also human which means that I occasionally indulge my less-than-becoming impulses to lament life's petty frustrations.

I need to remember that we are often our own worst critics. And our insecurities and flaws are less noticeable when they go unannounced. Part of my philosophy of style is to embrace fallibility (in my body, in my visage, in my closet, etc.), realizing that through trial and error good lessons can be learned. Lately I think I need to make that a bigger part of my philosophy of life.