Hello Darkness, My Old Blog

Photos by my friend Erin.

It's been so long. Wow having two kiddos and a career and a life to balance and a house to restore/renovate are NO JOKE! Major props to the people who make it look easy and still carve out space for their own interests and hobbies. I know this is a season of life that is short but I miss blogging so I am going to try to get back into the occasional habit of posting an outfit or two.

Wearing an old favorite MBMJ dress. The girls are in Boden. 

It's a lot easier to snap kid outfit pics that my own. They're kids so they're cute and everything looks good on them. But all is well. AND I GOT TENURE!!!! So I need to update my bio. Not sure if anyone still checks in here but hello, if you do!!

Hello!

December 2016 (Christmas Eve in Boden)

I miss blogging so here are some photos from the last few months where you can kinda see my outfits!

July 2016 (Rosie's newborn photos; also in Boden)

November 2016 (on vacation in St. Barths, wearing a Liberty print dress)

September 2016 (when we sold our house; wearing LOFT)

December 2016 (at Disney on Ice, wearing Old Navy)

March 2017 (on spring break with my sister at Disney World, wearing Old Navy)

I'm with or holding children in almost all the photos. So it's a fairly accurate depiction of my day to day life outside of work. I need to get back into the habit of taking outfit photos at work, especially now that daylight lasts a bit longer. I've got a bunch of new pieces that fit my still-transitioning but fairly settled postpartum body and I'm excited to share. I have no clue how regularly I will update but I'd like to start trying. Thanks for reading!

Welcome Rosemarie Jeanette!

I don't know if anyone ever checks here or not but... Hey, I had a baby and I went up for tenure and we bought a fixer upper and Emilia started school and we sold our house and we moved and and and...

It's been a lot but it's all good things. I'm posting sometimes on Instagram (@jesspgh). My outfits are rarely clean right now so they hardly seem worthy of documentation. I am also on maternity leave and undecided on a good spot in the new house to take photos. I will be back when I have breathing room. Thanks so much to anyone who might be still checking in here! I hope you are well.

Looking back and Looking forward

December 2014 was a very full, overwhelming month. Chris was in Africa for work for nearly half of it, during finals week and beyond. This made my final grading period (which is an already stressful time) feel that much more intense. Then a few days after he returned, we flew to Disney World. It was a lot of fun but corresponded with one of Disney World's busiest times of year. We were home just in time to celebrate Christmas, which was wonderful. But soon after Chris began a renovation project that involved moving everything out of our bedroom (where almost all of my clothes and accessories reside). I was grateful to save on labor costs but it was a lot to manage in part because I had a lot of work to do removed from this. I am teaching two new classes this semester so I had a great deal of course prep to complete. I also was trying to finish the revision plan for my book project (which is progressing thanks to the university press who solicited it!!). And even now that I am one week into the new semester, my bedroom remains a work in progress.

Despite this busy time, the end of the holiday season always brings a little sadness. The house feels so empty after we take down the tree. I tried my best to brace Emilia for the change since she loves the decorations. It seems to have helped her understand because I've heard her say, "Christmas over. I sad." Me too, my dear. Me too.

Looking back, 2014 was a very full and at times overwhelming (but mostly great) year. I passed my pre-tenure review. I helped start a company that secured angel investment and launched a mobile app. I received an award for my dissertation and presented my work at conferences. I visited Cleveland, Anna Maria Island, Ft. Lauderdale, Washington DC, Minneapolis/St. Paul, and Orlando. I learned that I can manage parenting and running the house while Chris is literally an ocean away because of work (thank goodness for extended family who live nearby, especially my mom, sister, and mother-in-law). I was contacted by a university press about my research. And so I proposed and thankfully heard favorable word about my dissertation book project. I congratulated loved ones who got married, were promoted, became engaged, were pregnant, had babies, and more. My own mother retired from her career of 37+ years to pursue many interests, including helping me balance my own career with motherhood. She now watches Emilia for me which has been amazing.

There was a lot to celebrate. And most excitingly perhaps, I saw Emilia, my completely delightful, terrific 2 year old, grow, change, learn, and revel. With every passing moment I marvel over how she is my favorite, right here, right now. She just keeps being my favorite with every development and change. Chris and I are in awe over our fun, sweet, smart, and cool kiddo. And after getting through this year, particularly during the difficult periods when we were apart due to his often stressful, intense job, I grew that much more in love and in like with Chris. It is very hard to be apart, particularly because I see how confusing it is for Emilia. Even now, almost a month after his most recent return, she asks me with much worry "where's daddy?" if she can't find him in the morning. But even with the travel, we are so lucky that he has this job. We are lucky that we both have jobs that enable us to live near our extended families and in a city we love so much. Considering that we're both academics, it feels that much more fortunate to have chosen where we get to live and work. I hope we continue to be so fortunate.

Looking forward, I want to keep perspective. I want my gratitude to neutralize my stress completely, but for me, that's unrealistic.  At minimum, I hope that I don't lose sight of the good when I am in the inevitable throes of overwhelm in 2015. There were times during 2014 when it was difficult to see the forest. Especially when Chris was half a world away from us. But toward the end of Chris's second trip to Africa, I really began to get a footing. It also helped that his wifi in the hotels got subsequently more consistent with each trip. Facetime was our lifeline. This year when he goes, I will have my own little routine of how to run things alone. It won't be easy while teaching two new classes, revising my book manuscript, and taking care of a 2 year old and an elderly dog. But I know from experience that we will get through it. Hopefully we will thrive. Happy (belated) new year!

Finding my way as a working mom

Lately, I feel like my September is the storm before the calm. Truth be told, I am most at home when the weather is cold and the leaves are crinkled, when my semester settles into a rhythm and my teaching schedule feels normal again. I stop lamenting that "normal" is no longer my summer break and in doing so I come to accept that everything is much busier and harried. Even though my "to-do" list doesn't necessarily shorten once this happens, I at least become less overwhelmed by it.

These days I'm spread a little thin. That shouldn't be surprising as this specific back-to-school cycle is the first in which I am adjusting to life as a working mom. Although I knew it was going to be hard, I didn't anticipate being hit by a baby with a 9 month sleep regression and (mild but still obvious) separation anxiety. Sleep deprivation makes me feel ineffective and unproductive. Not to mention irritable and tired! But there just isn't time to be unproductive at the moment.

Chris is trying to finish and defend his dissertation and I am trying to help him as much as he helped me. I am trying to complete a few grant applications and a book proposal over the next few weeks. I have a house to maintain. And I am back to my regular work schedule with a heavy teaching load and the usual service responsibilities. My summer class gave me a trial run of the work-life balancing act that so many women I know make look effortless. But that period was brief and I was only teaching one condensed session with very little service work. So I guess in reality I'm spread very thin at the moment.

On my commute home the other night I listened to Terry Gross interviewing Debora Spar about her new book, Wonder Women, which examines what Spar describes as a post-feminist internalization that in effect "privatized" feminism.  She says that rather than working toward the social changes that could help all of us, the trend instead sees women attempting to "have it all" individually, entailing a never ending quest for perfection. I haven't read the book yet but hearing her speak about it intrigued me. So I added it to my to do list... which continues to grow at a faster pace than I can manage. Still, the discussion was a nice reminder that perhaps I should try to cut myself some slack.

I know that I am doing the best that I can with constraints. I know that my work is not only important to me but necessary to the livelihood of my family. I know that Emilia is taken care of, comfortable, and happy, despite the teething, sleep regressions, and separation anxiety. I know that everything will be ok in part because it has to be. And thankfully, I have a lot of support on my side.

Thankfully my own upbringing involved a working, educator mom. It really helps to remind myself that my mom did this with an even more demanding schedule that required her to work out of the home five days a week. It helps to remember that she and my dad were able to balance things, raising (not one, but) three kids, while maintaining a really loving, happy marriage. It really helps to have my family's support and encouragement. I am incredibly lucky to have a husband who is very adept with a bedtime routine (without the benefit/crutch of nursing) and who loves to cook. He cooks more than I do and when I come home exhausted after my long teaching days, he always has a warm meal waiting for me. Talk about supportive!

I reflect often on my mom's (and really both of my parents') example, trying to model myself after it. If I'm feeling especially down, I remind myself that I am modeling this role for my own daughter and for the women students I mentor, advise, and teach. I don't want to let anyone down by being a negative caricature of new motherhood, rife with anxieties and "baby brain." And I'm probably overly self-conscious of the alleged "baby brain" drain, due to harsh self-criticism. After all, I had enough brain power to finish my doctorate this summer. That has to count for something!

Still, this is hard. It's hard to leave her. It's hard not to let my curiosity about what she is doing, how she is doing, if she is taking the bottle/napping/crying/etc. distract me from what I need to be doing.

I am especially relieved and lucky that Emilia is being taken care of by my sister on the days when I go to campus. I'm sure she would have been fine in daycare if we had gone that route. I see the babies in my moms' group enrolled in daycare and thriving. But family help brings a peace of mind that is priceless. Chris and I wanted to start a family while we lived near our loved ones for a bunch of reasons. And this is one of them! Emilia adores Katie and Katie adores Emilia. It's amazing to see them grow so close because of this arrangement. After my grandmother passed away, my Aunt Patty (my mom's sister) took care of me and my brother (before my sister was born) while my mom worked. And I feel such a strong bond to my aunt because of it. I am sure that Katie and Emilia and I will all be even closer because of this time together. Thanks to my sister, my baby and I have yet to suffer tearful goodbyes even though both of us are experiencing pangs of separation anxiety.

I keep reminding myself of how lucky I am in those harder moments. I need to remember that everything that is new feels hard and stressful at first, until it eventually becomes normal. If anyone has any secrets to managing things or just words of commiseration, I'd love to hear them!

On Being a Working Mom (and an outfit too)

Uniqlo dress, Old Navy leggings, MBMJ mouse flats, Kors watch

During my maternity leave, I went to campus on numerous occasions to wrap up projects I had worked on at home, to submit my annual review portfolio, and to prep for a condensed summer course. But each trip was short and some even involved bringing Emilia. This week I found myself back in the classroom for the first time postpartum. It was exhilarating, if not a little nerve-wracking. Although I'd been writing, researching, and handling service responsibilities from home, I officially felt like I was a working mom. After a (very generous and lovely) maternity leave, I was back in a venue where I was confident and professional, where I could receive immediate nonverbal and verbal feedback on my work, where I know what I am doing, and where I converse with adults.

As soon as I arrived, I hulked a mini-fridge from my car into my office (which is a private spot with a door that locks) to use for storing pumped milk. I set up a little station so that I could pump as efficiently as possible while working during the break in my class. After feeling settled, I put on my game face so that I could meet the students. I found a rhythm quickly.

Because the class is condensed into four weeks with two meetings per week, each session runs for 4.5 hours. That's too long for me to go without pumping. Although I didn't tell the class why I am otherwise unavailable during our breaks, they seem to be fine with it. I assured them of my availability before and after our meetings. The break allows them to regroup which is necessary for such lengthy sessions. I wore my pump and nurse tank from Rumina underneath a dress I could easily pull on and off.  The process of pumping during my break was a bit harried, but I'm sure that will get easier with practice. I breathed many sighs of relief during my commute home.

Although I left Emilia with a heavy heart, this return to work reminded me of how fortunate I am to have my job. I spent many days of early motherhood feeling uncertain, anxious, and humbled. No matter how many parenting books you read, there is so much to learn with no certain or  universal answers. At my job, there are plenty of gray areas too, but after ten years of experience I have my footing. I am good at it. I don't yet feel the same ease about my performance as "mom." Hopefully it will come with time.

Leaving Emilia for that many hours, for the first time ever was (of course) harder than I imagined. I was still pregnant when I made these return-to-work plans alongside supervisors and colleagues. Although it is only four weeks (and then I am home again until fall), I view it as an important trial run. It is easier to do this now while I have family help. My mom and sister are schoolteachers, both off for the summer and eager to spend time with the baby. They came over to watch her and had a blast. My mom worked my whole life and it means so much to have her (as well as my sister's) support!

When I pictured motherhood, I always pictured working out of the home too. My mom's example inspires me to this day. She gave me great advice and hugged me tightly as I left with a few tears in my eyes. When I came home she was finishing up a dinner that she cooked for me and Chris (who was snuggling Emilia as he had just arrived home too!). I felt doubly lucky!

This is just the beginning. I have a lot more to learn about work-life balance. And Emilia has a lot more growing and changing ahead of her. I'm sure things won't always be easy especially if separation anxiety sets in...especially if I experience the "mom penalty" at work... especially once I begin to miss exciting "firsts." But I am optimistic that we can all adjust, as needed. My work outside of the home is not only important to me, it is also a significant component of my family's financial stability. I know there will be plenty of compromises and hardships but I wouldn't and we couldn't have it any other way.

Outfit for a playdate

I'm addicted to dresses. I love them! My favorite pieces are dresses and my wardrobe is dominated by them. They're the quickest, simplest trick to fooling people that you are somewhat pulled-together. And in actuality, they're super easy, socially-acceptable, adult one-pieces. No smoke or mirrors. No toiling over coordinating pieces. Just throw them on and go... unless you are nursing and most of your dresses won't work.

During this process of dressing my postpartum body to maintain breastfeeding accessibility, I've grown so tired of separates. And even more tired of dresses with button-fronts. My entire pre-pregnancy/post-adolescent wardrobe history includes a stockpile of safety pins to clip shut the button-fronts that inevitably gap. Even when I size up, I have the dreaded boob gap. So I've employed pins to keep everything under wraps.

I'd rather be pinned shut than risk flashing some skin to a classroom full of 18-22 year olds! But when you're breastfeeding and need to be able to quickly calm a hungry baby, or pump during a very short work break, extra obstacles are ill-advised. With my nursing-enhanced bustline, I am pretty loathe to wear v-necks or scoops deep enough to allow for access from above. Rarely are such necklines modest enough to fit my comfort zone and be professionally appropriate.

So my current solution has been to wear all those dresses that are still slightly too short (due to the aforementioned enhanced bustline "winnie-the-poohing" garments upward) with leggings. It's too hot for tights but somehow not too hot for leggings. I don't know if I feel comfortable wearing leggings in the classroom (where I will return on Monday for a condensed summer session!), but they fit the bill for most situations.

I wore the above ensemble, consisting of a See by Chloé dress that is currently closer to tunic length on me with a J. Crew cardigan, a pair of leggings, and flats, to a playdate. I went to the home of my friend who has a similarly aged son. She snapped a few photos of me with my baby and I did the same for her. We had lamented during a previous moms' group meeting that we're usually behind the camera, taking photos of the baby with everyone else. Having some (non-phone) pictures of us with our babies is something we'll both treasure! I can't believe it's already been six months. Time has flown!

And although I have no idea when I will be done worrying about maintaining a nursing-friendly wardrobe (the World Health Organization recommends two years), I am trying to find any and every option that lets me still dress like myself.

A quick note on motherhood style

I'm only five months in but my mom style is definitely more casual and relaxed than ever. It is more machine washable and separates-focused. I wear a lot of pants these days (sometimes even the ones with elastic waistbands cause... why not?!). My wardrobe is both more comfortable and more stretchy than it was prior to pregnancy and birth. I take more photos in general but less photos of myself (unless they're phone pics). I rarely have time to take head-to-toe outfit photos.

I don't feel like I can dress up as much. But I also don't feel like I have to. I don't have as many dresses that I can wear (at least for now while I am breastfeeding). I don't spend as much time fretting over what to wear or trying on a million things. I don't have as much time to shop or bargain hunt. I don't have as much fun shopping for myself as I do for my little one.

(photo from our NYC trip by Michael or China... the dog is also theirs!)

And I wouldn't have it any other way. Happy Mother's Day to you and yours!

Birthday OOTD and the challenge of dressing while babywearing

Last year for my birthday I was newly (and quietly) pregnant, celebrating (and conferencing) with Chris in San Diego. This year for my birthday, we flew for the first time with Emilia to New York City to attend a friend's baby shower. On top of considering breastfeeding accessibility issues, I had to contemplate how to dress around/for babywearing. The weather seemed like it was going to cooperate and although we could have checked them, we had no desire to lug a car seat and/or stroller to the city. Perhaps when E is bigger it will make sense to bring an umbrella stroller but she's too little for those so the only option would be the entire travel system. As someone who typically eschews our stroller any time we'll be navigating a crowd, babywearing is the perfect solution.

In the Ergo with Chris

On its surface, babywearing isn't a topic that relates to my usual outfit or shopping related content. But I've learned that just like dressing to breastfeed, you have to really think through a wardrobe strategy when babywearing. It's so easy to overheat if you aren't careful. But underdressing brings its own concerns. Still, wearing a baby while they're in a thick, bulky bunting seems impossible. I had to think long and hard about what kinds of layers would fit under and over the carriers I planned to used. And I had to think just as carefully about how to dress baby. A sweatshirt-weight bunting with a hood from the Gap (here) was perfect for spring temperatures.

Now that we're home and the trip was a success I am so glad we wore her all weekend. It was not only easy but she felt secure and safe while wrapped up. She napped when she needed to while we walked around. I nursed her when she was hungry. Of course, our schedule was very different but for a few days that wasn't a big deal. We have great memories of our first flight trip as parents!

It was so easy just to strap her onto one of us and go. We have a few different carriers and each bring their own wardrobe related anxieties. The Ergo is Chris's favorite but the backpack style straps make for awkward layering constraints. The Moby is complicated because of the trickery required to wrap it correctly. The K'tan is probably my favorite currently, because it is like a pre-wrapped Moby. It adds less bulk than the Ergo and it is way faster to put on than the Moby but offers similar styles for holding/wrapping. I do think that once the weather turns from warm to hot babywearing will become much less comfortable due to heat. But for now when things are temperate, it is perfect. I had such a great birthday weekend and will probably share more photos soon. Sadly the one above depicting my baby shower outfit is the only "outfit photo." Outfit photos are a lot harder to get these days.

Details:
Tibi Hudson and Houston shirt dress in green colorway
Burberry Brit jacket (current season version here; similar here)
Spanx tights
Ferragamo My Joy flats
K'tan

Shopping with a newborn

Last month, Chris and I ventured out of SWPA for the first time in a long time. We didn't go far and we didn't stay long but it felt wonderful to get out of town. I was eager to hit the stores that Pittsburgh doesn't have: Saks, Nordstrom Rack, Bloomingdales, Loehmann's, Barney's Coop. With giftcards burning holes in my pocket I couldn't wait to hit the sales. But shopping while traveling with a newborn for the first time was way more difficult than I ever imagined.

en route to Friendship Heights

Between taking turns holding her, changing her, feeding her, and keeping her happy there was little time left for browsing. When strapped for time, I'm usually a "head directly to the sale rack, do not linger around new arrivals as they are out of your price range," sort of shopper. But sale racks are often disorganized and crowded. And for the first time in my life that disorganization overwhelmed rather than enticed me. So I wound up nursing the baby in an out-of-the-way chair while Chris looked around. BTW, thank goodness for Nordstrom. Their "Women's Lounge" was an oasis of calm for my harried, frustrated, and otherwise disappointed self. I really couldn't focus even when Chris had the baby because I spent those minutes worrying about whether she was ok, if she wanted to eat, did she need to be changed, was she on the cusp of a meltdown, etc. At the end of the weekend, I returned home empty handed.

I am sure I will get the hang of this eventually, right? Until then, thank goodness for online shopping.

Self-image in the reflection of my daughter

As I continue to recover from pregnancy and birth, I find myself feeling surprisingly positive. My body has changed for sure. I accept that it (much like life) will never be the same in ways both positive and negative. That was a part of the deal struck when my partner and I decided to plan our family. But it's hard to be overly critical of a body that grew, birthed (albeit with interventions), and nourished my healthy baby girl. It's hard also to harbor the same mixed feelings about my physical appearance -- those ones that plagued me as an adolescent and early post-adolescent -- when everyone says that baby girl looks just like me. She has such a sweet, lovable, curious face. Her face  indeed resembles my own baby photos closely. I cringe at the thought of her being hard on herself about her looks as she matures. And when I think about the overly critical, appearance-obsessed world in which she will grow, I worry.

There was and still is something validating about the fact that my younger sister and I look so alike. Even though I can be hard on myself, I think she's gorgeous. And I feel the same way about my daughter. My heart breaks at the thought of her or my sister being so self-critical. So why should I be  hard on myself? It sets a bad example and it just doesn't add up! It also makes me wish I hadn't put my own parents through the ringer with my own adolescent self-criticism. The idea that Emilia might someday find fault with a visage that I find so beautiful is kind of devastating.

The outfit above was my trying out options for Valentine's Day. Although the wrap fits, I know it would look way better if I steamed it and put it on over tights. It's too cold to wear it sans tights anyway and even though I'm 10 weeks postpartum I still really like the added support from control top. Still, trying stuff on without Spanx helps me keep perspective on where my body is at the moment. 

Outfit details:
DVF Greer in spring shadows print
Bravado tank underneath
MBMJ pumps
RedEnvelope necklace (c/o)

Dressing for two OOTD

Lately I really find myself dressing for two: myself and my little one. As my body continues to adjust postpartum, my wardrobe options remain limited. Not only do a lot of things fit differently but much of my clothing is breastfeeding unfriendly. The hit of my closet has been a Missoni for Target spacedye dress with stretchy fabric and front button panel. Carol of In Pursuit of Pretty Things gave me the sage advice a while back that drapey cardigans would become really important to my nursing ensembles. She was totally right! not only do they help keep me warm but they offer some potential for additional modesty when I'm wrangling my cover, the baby, and my clothes on the fly.

Speaking of covers, I have two (from Udder Covers... one was handed down to me and the other was bought with a code where I paid only --admittedly exorbitant-- shipping) that are incredibly useful in helping me feel confident leaving my house knowing I can feed her whenever she gets hungry. You can see one of them below:

Here we are at a museum (notice the tiny legs draped on my lap). As an aside, I need to give a shout out to Nordstrom who has the most cushy, lovely set up for breastfeeding shoppers! I knew about their "Women's Lounges" from seeing them on my way to the regular ladies rooms but didn't realize how rare and useful they were until now. It's shocking how many public restrooms lack changing tables! So Nordstrom's plush couches, pillows, separate rooms for diaper changes, and quiet, private spaces make me want to give them my entire shopping budget! I guess some Macys stores also have separate nursing areas so I was really surprised to find nothing at Bloomingdales (who is owned by the same company that owns Macys). Maybe it was just that location? Although you don't always need an entire designated room, sometimes you want that separate space!